Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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