you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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