just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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