Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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