so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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