Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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