My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
