I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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