Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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