Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
