you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
