The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
