Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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