After last night, I could never be a politician.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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