did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
