Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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