I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
