am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
