Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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