She announced her abortion via fbk
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
