I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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