Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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