I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
im on a boat
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