apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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