Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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