two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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