my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
