bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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