i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
