Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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