Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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