he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
