grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize