Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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