I am puke
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
