Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
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