All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
