Banned from zoo.
Again?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
