I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Floor bacon is actually really good
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
