shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
