Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
