I'm really into asian looking animals
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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