remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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