Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Randomize
