i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
