I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
