why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
