Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
