what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
