Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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