his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Come share oat with me in your robe
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
