if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
