Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
