her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
