just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
