I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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