So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
