Will you blow on my dice?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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