Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
