One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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