Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
