Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
